The Slasher's Guide To Romance

Finding "The One" is a numbers game. Unfortunately for my dating life, the numbers usually end up in a shallow grave.

My name is Silas. You might know me from the evening news, or perhaps from the true crime podcast my girlfriend hosts (she doesn't know she's my girlfriend yet, but we're working on it).

For years, I thought love was a trap. Then I found a box of water-damaged romance novels in a basement, and I realized I had it all wrong. The Duke doesn't give up when the heroine runs away. The Highland Laird doesn't let a little thing like a restraining order stand in the way of true love.

They persist. They conquer. They win.

I was ready to burn it all down. I just needed the right woman.

Then I found Maeve.

She hosts a true crime podcast. She is the only one who sees me and hasn't run away screaming. Yet.

There is just one problem. His name is Marcus. He drives an Audi, wears cashmere, and offers her a life of safety and boredom. He is the Unworthy Suitor, and Valentine's Day is approaching fast.

The old me would have removed the obstacle with a hunting knife. But the new me-the suitor, the romantic-knows that won't work. I can't just kill the competition; I have to outclass him.

I have to prove to Maeve that she doesn't want safe. She wants the man who will stand outside her window in a blizzard just to make sure she sleeps through the night.

This is not just a love story. It is a manual.

Inside The Slasher's Guide to Romance, I will teach you:

• Rule #14: How to properly intimidate a rival without leaving forensic evidence.

• Rule #33: The difference between "stalking" and "devoted surveillance" (It's mostly about lighting).

• Rule #52: When to break a lock, and when to just slide a love letter under the door.

Love is messy. But if you do it right, no one has to call the cops.

This is a fast-paced dark romance with a morally gray male lead. Some themes and scenes may be disturbing to readers.

TROPES: Stalker Romance (He falls first... and hard), Villain Gets the Girl, True Crime Podcaster x The Subject, Dark Rom-Com / Satire , Golden Retriever Energy (If the dog was a wolf)